Shattered Faith
by Dan Q. Bailey
Summary: Basically a two-shot involving Cloudtail and Mothwing thinking about StarClan and faith and what it means to them.
1. Clouded Skies

**Shattered Faith**

**A mainly did this because I wanted to. It's basically just a series of oneshots about our favorite nonbelievers, Mothwing and The first chapter's about Cloudtail because he's one of my favorite characters, and I feel kind of like I'm neglecting him. Anyway, yeah, just a basic drabble about how they don't believe in StarClan. **

Cloudtail stared up at the night sky. It was the night of his warrior vigil. The night that should have been the happiest night of his entire life. But it wasn't.

The silence of the vigil was meant for the new warrior to review their life so far, and what being a warrior means to them. It was almost like a time of rebirth in the eyes of StarClan, a chance to start over. But for Cloudtail, it was anything but that. He knew that for him, there would be no going back, no second chances. For him, there wasn't even a spiritual rebirth.

Sighing silently, he turned and looked mournfully over at the apprentice's den, where his friends, or rather, ex-friends, were asleep, probably hating him with all their might. He knew it wasn't his fault, nor was there anything he could do about it. He couldn't help it if Bluestar had decided that he should be made a warrior first. He himself had had no say in the matter. But still, he couldn't help but feel guilty. He knew that his friends should be sitting here next to him, all of them with their warrior names to celebrate.

He turned back to StarClan. Or at least what the rest of the cats in the forest believed to be StarClan. To him they were just stars. Tiny pinpricks of light in a vast, endless void of nothingness. Belief in his warrior ancestors had never meant much to him. As far as he was concerned, they did nothing for him or any other cat, and they could take care of themselves. There was no need for StarClan.

But just now, at this moment, Cloudtail almost wished he _did _believe in his warrior ancestors. He could see, now, why they did. While it had never occured to him before, he just now realized how empty the world was, how empty his own life was. Yes, he had been happy with how his life had played out before now, and had not bothered to question why his own belief in StarClan was nonexistant, when it was practically woven into the very fiber of his Clanmates' beings.

A sharp, almost physical pain struck him deep in his heart as he realized how cynical he was. None of his Clanmates ever quesioned the existence of StarClan, Bluestar herself was waging a war against them, and yet, here he was, the first soldier in her new army. As far as he knew, he was the first cat in all the Clans to ever reject the belief of StarClan, and maybe, if Bluestar's war continued, the first of many.

He remembered when Brightpaw, sweet, beautiful Brightpaw, had one day asked him why he didn't believe in StarClan. He remembered what he had said too:

"Why should I? StarClan are just something the elders made up to keep the rest of us in line. What other purpose would they possibly serve? We can carry on just fine without them. It's not like we need them to hunt for us. Or fight for us either. They're just a kit's tale, and I'm quite capable of living my life just fine without them."

And of course, he remembered exactly what Brightpaw had said in response to that:

"Cloudpaw, StarClan may not be real to you, but they are to the rest of us. You see, Cloudpaw, our belief gives them life. Even if they weren't real, the belief we give to them makes them real. It's hard to explain, and maybe it just takes faith, but, Cloudpaw, think about it: Would any of us really be here if StarClan didn't exist? Without StarClan, there wouldn't be a warrior code, and then we all really would be on our own. Don't you think, even if they don't exist, it's better that we believe they do?"

At the time, Cloudtail hadn't really absorbed what she'd said, but instead had just been rather stung that she'd disagreed with him and not spoken to her until it was forgotten, but now that it came back to him, the full impact of her words hit him. And it hurt. A lot.

He had never before thought about what StarClan meant to the Clans, but now that he did, he couldn't deny that it made sense. The Clans simply couldn't function without their belief in StarClan. Would he even be alive if it weren't for the Clans' belief in StarClan and the warrior code?

He had never believed in StarClan. Maybe, once, when he was a tiny kit in the nursery, suckling on Brindleface beside Ashkit and Fernkit. But that had been a long time ago, and he knew he'd never believe in them again. In fact, he could remember the exact moment when he first stopped believing in them: when Fireheart had told him that he hadn't in fact, been born in ThunderClan.

Cloudtail remembered that moment clear as day, mainly because it had redirected his entire life from that point on. The transition from believing in StarClan to not believing in them hadn't been that hard for him to make, probably because he wasn't Clanborn. Or so he had thought at the time.

But even Fireheart, who, like him, wasn't Clanborn, found belief in StarClan. _Maybe there's something wrong with me_, he worried, tail twitching nervously. Though nobody really said anything about it, he could tell that the fact that he didn't share their beliefs alienated him from the rest of ThunderClan, and that both scared and fustrated him.

_I can't change who I am!_ he thought angrily, glaring up at the stars. _If they're real and so powerful, why can't they show themselves?_ he wondered defiantly, his light blue eyes narrow slits.

"Cloudtail?"

The voice surprised him, and he whipped around immediately. He was startled to see Brightpaw standing behind him, looking hesitant and slightly confused. He smiled reassuredly and gestured rather lamely with his tail for her to sit beside him, as he couldn't speak.

"I just wanted to say," mewed Brightpaw nervously, "not all of us are mad at you. It's just, you have to understand, we were supposed to be made warriors too." Cloudtail nodded to show that he had heard and understood.

The ginger-and-white she-cat stood and turning to go, meowed, "Well, I guess that's all I really came to say. I just wanted to let you know, I'll always be your friend."

"Wait!" cried out Cloudtail. Despite the age-old restrictions, he felt he couldn't help but burst out.

Brightpaw turned back to him, eyes wide with disbelief. "Cloudtail!" she hissed in a near-whisper, her tail bushing up. "You're not supposed to speak while during the vigil! It's against the rules!"

"Oh loosen up!" exclaimed Cloudtail, a little easier now. "The rules were meant to be broken. Now come on and stay with me. It'll be a little like you having your ceremony as well."

"Really?" asked Brightpaw, seeming to forget that they weren't supposed to be speaking at the moment. "What do you think my warrior name will be?"

"How about 'Brightspot'," asked Cloudtail, grinning, "for the way you can brighten up anybody?"

"You know what, I think I'd like that very much," meowed Brightpaw, leaning in closer to Cloudtail. In return he turned and licked her ear, then the two of them looked up at the sky again.

_You know what,_ thought Cloudtail to himself, _even if StarClan_ does _exist, they can't possibly do anything to change what I have right here and now._


	2. Lifeless

**Author's Note: Alright, so this is the second chapter of _Shattered Faith_. I have no idea whether or not I want to do a third at this point, so until I have cement plans for one, this will be the last chapter. I hope you enjoy it.**

Chapter Two

She used to believe in StarClan. Back when she was a warrior apprentice, curled up soundly in the apprentices' den next to her brother, Hawkpaw. She remembered looking out at the stars, imaging them as the images of her warrior ancestors, coming down to visit her. It used to send shivers up her spine, imaging talking to these cats, sharing dreams with them and learning of their wisdom. It was the first reason she wanted to become a medicine cat.

Of course, she wanted to help her Clanmates too. Their well-being was foremost in her mind. It was what led her paws up to Mudfur's den in the first place, what led her to ask so many questions of the elderly medicine cat. Of course, Leopardstar wouldn't let her become her Clan's medicine cat. Not without a sign from StarClan. And of course, she had been thrilled when Mudfur discovered the moth's wing outside his den one morning. A clear sign from StarClan.

He took her as his apprentice that day. It was the best day of Mothwing's life, and the next night, on the night of the half-moon, she would make the journey to the Moonstone with the other medicine cats and officially become his apprentice in the eyes of StarClan. Excitement coursed through her at the very thought. And of course she told Hawkfrost, her only surviving sibling and closest friend in all the Clans. Even if he did have some weird ideas. Maybe if she'd paid closer attention to the way he smiled when she told him, she never would have lost her belief.

But she didn't, and when the time came for her to go through her ceremony at the Moonstone, she was as ecstatic as any new apprentice would be. The mystery of the tunnel, the brilliance of the Moonstone, the way it sent cold shivers down her spine when she touched her nose to it. All very well done, was what she thought of it now, but back then, back then it had been _real_. She'd met with StarClan. They'd even _spoke_ to her. The starry ghosts of cats she had once known, rising up and welcoming her as a medicine cat apprentice. The utter joy she felt, the satisfaction in knowing that they _were_ real, and now as medicine cat she'd be privy to whatever information they decided to share with her.

Oh, if only she_ knew_. If only she knew then what she knew now. She wouldn't have had to have her faith ripped from her like that, because she'd already have known the truth.

When she got back to camp, she knew she wasn't supposed to have told anyone what she had seen, but the whole wonder of the experience was still fresh with her, and she couldn't hold back. Not when the one asking was her dear, dear brother.

"So, how did it go? Did you see StarClan?" he asked, coming up beside her.

He sat down, and Mothwing turned her eyes on him, eyes still shining with all the brilliance of the stars. "It was amazing, Hawkfrost," she said, looking back up at the sky. "There were so many, and they were _proud_ of me. Proud of my dedication to be a medicine cat. It was the best experience of my life. I'm glad they chose me."

"They chose you?" meowed Hawkfrost, beginning to look annoyed with his starry-eyed sister. "Mothwing, Mudfur was the one who chose you. He chose you because you're a good cat, and dedicated to your Clan, and because you've always wanted to be a medicine cat."

"Yes, but Mudfur would never have dared choose me without the sign from StarClan. If they hadn't left that moth's wing outside his den, I'd still be sleeping with you in the warrior's den."

Hawkfrost turned on her, his ice-blue eyes glittering. "Listen, Mothwing, StarClan didn't leave that moth's wing there, _I_ did."

She turned to him eyes wide with disbelief. "You can't have! It was a clear sign! StarClan would have said something if they hadn't put it there."

He looked at her, boring into her eyes with his own. "Surely, sister, you should know by now. I've been letting you keep your little fantasy, but it's time to grow up. There _is_ no StarClan! They aren't real! Mudfur chose you as his apprentice because he knew you'd make a great medicine cat, all he needed was the sign to convince Leopardstar of this. I, too, recognized your potential, and so gave it to him." He stopped, watching her, tail tip twitching slowly.

Silently, he watched with his even ice-blue gaze all the wonder and excitement drift slowly away from her amber eyes, like a weed caught in a slow-moving current, hanging there with determination for just a few moments, and then the next moment, gone. Never to return. Wordlessly she turned from him, her belief scattering from her like autumn leaves from a tree. Wordlessly, he watched, then turned and back to sleep peacefully in the warriors den.

As the days since this revelation passed, Mothwing seemed to regain her spirit and enthusiasm for healing, but every time StarClan was mentioned, or the night of the half-moon drifted round, a dark cloud would drift over her. She carried on, caring for her Clan, watched by both her mentor and her brother, but never again did she ever experience the wonder and excitement experienced by all medicine cats. Never did she look up at the stars and see anything more than far-away pinpricks of light against the dark. Cold, distant, lifeless. StarClan. She would never believe in such nursery tales again.

**Author's Note: Sorry it's so short, but oh well, that's just how it is. I'm glad I finally finished this, and I hope this chapter isn't a disappointment.**


End file.
